Gravity
I placed the laundry basket on my chest. The table was fairly high, and my breasts gravitated downward, getting painfully caught between the tabletop and the basket. When my husband asked what happened and I sadly explained, he bragged that he now has to be careful where he sits so he doesn’t crush his balls.
Excuse me?
My nephew told me to stop yelling at the TV, but honestly, I wasn’t even loud—I could barely hear it myself…
Stomach Troubles
I can’t just enjoy a cappuccino or anything with cheese or cream anymore without rushing to the bathroom twenty minutes later. When I was younger, I could eat anything—even iron nails! Now I have to scrutinize menus for lactose-free options. It’s rough! And I used to love spicy food, but now even a little pepper sets my stomach on fire.
Rhythm
Because of menopause, I often forget things and annoy myself with all the clicking and “um” sounds while searching for words. But my husband has lost his sense of rhythm. He’s drummed his whole life and feels down because he can’t play some songs anymore—the rhythm just won’t stick with his left hand.
Creaky
It always annoyed me when my grandpa groaned getting up from his chair. Yesterday, my wife asked me to try standing up without making "annoying groaning noises." I hadn’t realized that at 42, I’ve turned into my own grandpa, but I can’t help it—my lower back hurts.
Thin Veil
My skin was always oily and shiny. Now, at 70, it’s as thin as parchment. One day I peeled off a bandage from my leg and my skin came off with it!
Cautious
I used to easily jump over puddles, hop onto sidewalks, and leap up three steps. Now, at 35, I move carefully—no sudden moves since I twisted my knee chasing a bus and rolled my ankle stepping off an escalator wrong. I’d rather go around a puddle than “recklessly” jump over it!
The List
Where do I start… My eyes feel dry every morning, like I’ve got iron filings in them. Brown sunspots are multiplying on my skin, even though I barely go out in the sun anymore. When I blow my nose or sneeze, I leak a little. The other day, I tilted my head back laughing and my neck locked for two weeks—I moved like a robot.
Why
When I lie on my back, my breasts slip under my armpits. What are they doing there?! I wake up at least three times a night to use the bathroom, no matter how much I drink or eat. Hair on my legs and underarms has almost disappeared—which I’m happy about—but unexpectedly long hairs grow in odd places, which I’m not thrilled about. Long, curly hairs on my earlobes and chin—yuck.
Burning
On the first day of our vacation, we spent all day walking the sunny streets of a small Italian town. Before bed, I brushed my hair and my scalp started hurting so badly I could have screamed. It turned out my loosely tied hair had thinned so much that my scalp actually got sunburned. Since then, I’ve been wearing a straw hat.
