Change
I can say that out of our 38 years together, we had one really tough decade! I thought it was unique, but recently my wife mentioned that Michelle Obama talked on her podcast about bad phases, or even bad decades, in a marriage. That was a relief—we’re definitely not alone. The problem was that we both changed, but not in the same direction. For years, we lived side by side like roommates, strangers, and it took years to find our way back to each other. It wasn’t easy, but now we’re so good together that I wouldn’t trade what we have for anything.
The Work
Our crisis hit pretty early—already in our second year of marriage. We fought constantly and both asked ourselves, “Did I really vow forever to this person?!” A friend recommended a therapist, so we went. It turned out neither of us had really changed; we were still the people we fell in love with, only back then the rose-colored glasses kept us from seeing clearly.
The therapist helped us realize that the issues we fought over were always there: I knew my wife wasn’t a kitchen wizard, but it didn’t matter because we ordered food or went out to eat, blinded by love. She knew I was a lazy guy who didn’t clean up or take out the trash, but it didn’t bother her because she loved me and happily did those things. We had to learn to live together even after the honeymoon fog lifted, plain and simple.
We worked hard on our relationship and had many arguments, but after two years, we clicked. The secret was that we both put in the effort. Our therapist said marriage only works if both partners do the work: it’s hard to move a couch alone, but easy when you lift it together.
Together
We’d been married eight years when the tough period hit, lasting three years. There were kids, careers, just too much happening at once, and we neglected each other. One day I felt awful and opened up. She was surprised—it hadn’t seemed that bad to her. That’s when we decided to change. We started dating again, and during those dates, we strictly talked—what we were unhappy with, what we wanted to change, and so on.
Neither of us wanted to divorce, but we saw serious changes were needed from both sides. I think that was the key to success: we said out loud that we wanted to continue together. Now, ten years later, I can say things are still great between us. We stick to what we agreed on back then, keep communicating, and never let ourselves neglect each other—our relationship comes first.
Care
My wife is a real nurturer. Everyone runs to her with their problems, and she solves them all—everyone’s, except mine. She took for granted that I was strong, that I was always okay, that I was the rock in our marriage. But I had struggles too, which I felt fell on deaf ears, and I started resenting her when she helped others. She said I was jealous, and that led to many fights.
When the tension at home spilled over to work and I started taking it out on others, I told her this couldn’t go on. It’s not easy for men to admit we need emotional support, and women don’t always notice their husbands suffering beneath a tough exterior. Eventually, we talked it through and after four hard years, we steered our relationship back on track.
The Pact
After tough negotiations and compromises, I can now say I love my wife and enjoy our marriage. The crisis lasted four years, and we both made hard compromises for each other, like cutting ties with close friends we deemed toxic. We agreed no texting—if we need to talk, we call each other to avoid misunderstandings.
We introduced a weekly “planned” date night (and set some ground rules around sex, which is a whole other list). Every week, we spend an hour talking about our relationship—phones off—to share what felt good or not in the past week. This keeps any lingering issues from building up. Each month, we set aside money for ourselves—dinners, wellness, massages—because a little self-care goes a long way. There’s more on our list, but these are the essentials, the pact that transformed our marriage.
