When we first move in together, when we first say "I love you," or when we make our wedding vows, we don't see that a happy relationship is about much more than a great initial connection. But maybe that's for the best. What else would we draw on during the lows if not the initial pink haze and the beautiful moments?
Real, long-term relationships, however, are not always shining with happiness and cloudlessness. They include tough days, tired silences, unspoken grievances, and relearned embraces. But it is precisely these moments – the breaks and reunions – that truly shape the flame into a deep and strong bond.
My relationship has been going on for almost two decades now. Within a few years, I will be able to say that I have lived more time with my partner than apart from them. And if I had to highlight one thing I have learned during this time, it is that without shared goals and a planned future together, everyday life will wash us away. Because love is not just a feeling – it is work, decision, and a new beginning: every day.
And there are 2 lessons that not only helped us but, according to research, can be the foundation of every strong marriage:
Your partner will not complete you – and that’s not their job
I know it would be more romantic to believe that there is a "missing half" who makes us feel whole. That our partner is everything: our best friend, our most authentic mirror, our most loyal ally, our best lover, our only support, and so on. It feels good to think of them this way, and it's lucky if you recognized yourself in some of these descriptions, but the reality is that this mindset does more harm than good.
A 2014 study published in Social Psychological and Personality Science found that people who seek their emotional needs in multiple relationships – such as friends, siblings, mentors (also) – are much more balanced than those who concentrate everything on a single person.
We cannot expect our partner to be our psychologist, motivational coach, trainer, or best listener all in one! This is not only an impossible challenge but will eventually weigh heavily on the relationship.
So what really works? Experts say "mutual dependence": when both of you maintain your individuality, your own goals, while being noticeably there for each other. You accept that not every need must be fulfilled by the other. You don't have to call each other for every problem – maybe a chat with a girlfriend, a coffee with your mom, or a tough workout gives much more than complaining to your husband.
But for this, you also need to preserve yourself, your own interests, and goals. The person you are when you are "not someone’s partner." If all your energy goes into the relationship, you might wake up one morning not knowing who you really are. And this confusion, this inner lack, starts to seep back into your relationship. Attraction, admiration, curiosity all feed on seeing the other person grow – independently too!
You will hurt each other – and that’s okay
Yes, even if you deeply love each other. Your partner will make mistakes. There will be times they don’t pay attention to you, times they speak or say something hurtful. There will be times they forget something important. And – as hard as it is to admit – you will hurt them too. Not intentionally, but because you are human!
The Gottman Institute, which has researched long-term relationships for over 45 years, says: it is not the absence of conflict that makes a marriage successful, but how you reconnect afterward.
Studies show that couples who stay together happily for a long time are those who learn to repair after conflict. So a happy marriage is not marked by the absence of arguments but by what happens after you argue. Can you listen to each other? Are you able to apologize, laugh, reconnect? And most importantly: are you willing to learn from these breaks? Because the result of a fight can be not only divorce but also an opportunity for growth. A chance to learn how to communicate better, how to apologize, how to open up to each other again.
Marriage (unfortunately or fortunately) is not a goal that, once reached, you can lean back. It is more a process, a shared journey where sometimes you get lost, sometimes you replan, and sometimes you just sit quietly next to each other. But if you learn these difficult yet liberating truths – that the other doesn't have to be everything in one person and that hurts are not the end but part of growth – then there is a chance that this journey will be not only lasting but joyful as well.
