Op-ed by Borka Schuster
She's the one person I would do anything for. If I had to choose between her and anyone else, between her and my work, between her and my hobbies, between her and my own comfort, I would choose her every single time. Without a second thought.
But thankfully, I don't have to choose
We don't live in a war zone. We aren't fighting to survive day after day, and we aren't raising our child in circumstances where every decision demands a real sacrifice. We are incredibly lucky. There's room in our life for so many things at once.
That's exactly why I've never understood the idea that once you have a child, you're suddenly supposed to exist only as a mother.
When my daughter was born, motherhood changed everything, of course. Not just my schedule or my priorities, but me. It became one of the most fundamental parts of who I am, and it probably always will be.
But only one part of it.
I never felt like it was my only role
I didn't stop being a working woman. My own goals didn't disappear. And neither did the things that brought me joy long before I became a mom.
I love my work. I have projects that genuinely excite me. There are people whose friend I am. And there's a partner whose love, teammate, and lover I am too.
And honestly, I have no intention of giving up any of those roles.
Sometimes I feel like an unspoken competition has grown up around motherhood. Who spends more time with their child? Who makes the more creative snacks? Who owns more educational toys? Who plans the most varied activities? Who can pour even more energy into making every single moment revolve around the kids?
I opted out of that race before I ever signed up for it.
I don't pack star-shaped sandwiches every morning. There's no weekly themed Montessori program in our house. And I don't feel any need to turn every shared afternoon into some special developmental activity.
If you've ever wondered whether that quiet pressure is real, you're not alone — plenty of parents feel it too. You might also relate to these honest confessions from parents about the days motherhood isn't all joy.
It's not because I don't love my child
It's because those things simply aren't among my top priorities.
What matters far more to me is that when we're together, I'm truly present. That we talk, laugh, cuddle, read stories, go on little adventures, or just laze around on the couch. She feels so much more love from those moments than from whatever shape I cut the cheese into for her sandwich.
And at the same time, I want to hold on to myself, too.
I don't believe I'll become a better mother by completely abandoning my own interests, my own ambitions, or my own relationships. If anything, I'm more and more convinced that those are exactly the things that keep me balanced.
When my work inspires me, when I have time to recharge, when I see my friends, when my partner and I get real time alone together, I'm more patient. I'm happier. I have more energy. And in the end, my daughter is the one who benefits the most.
She doesn't get a burnt-out, perpetually exhausted mom who can't even remember the last time she did something purely because it made her happy. She gets a person for whom motherhood is a hugely important part of life — but not the only one.
And there's one more reason I hold on to this on purpose
My daughter is watching me. Through me, she's learning what it means to be a woman. What a relationship looks like. What it means to work, to create, to nurture friendships, to set your own goals. I don't want her to see that a woman's identity can only be fulfilled through motherhood.
What I want her to see is that you can be a devoted mother while still remaining yourself.
That you don't have to choose between your family and your own identity. That you can love someone more than anyone in the world and still never stop being your own independent person. It's worth remembering, too, that children pick up far more than we think — they learn more from watching and listening than we realize.
At least, that's what I believe. And it doesn't make me feel like a bad mom for a single second.
Does putting yourself first mean you love your child less?
No. Choosing to keep your own interests, work, and relationships doesn't take away from how much you love your child. As the article puts it, being present and balanced often means your child benefits the most.
Can you be a devoted mother and still have your own identity?
Yes. The whole point is that you don't have to choose between your family and yourself. You can love someone more than anyone in the world and still remain an independent person with your own goals.
Why does keeping your own life matter for your child?
Because children learn by watching. Seeing a mother who works, creates, and nurtures friendships teaches a child that a woman's identity isn't limited to motherhood alone.
Isn't it selfish to opt out of the "perfect parent" competition?
Not at all. Skipping the star-shaped sandwiches and themed programs isn't a sign of caring less — it's a choice to focus on genuine presence and connection instead of performance.
