Women – especially moms – juggle an enormous amount of invisible work, all in their heads.
The sulking
One evening, my husband asked me to snuggle up next to him on the couch, but he sulked when I said I couldn’t because I still had to do the dishes. "That can wait," he said. I explained it couldn’t because the food would dry on the dishes, making the job take twice as long. He offered to do the dishes himself, but I declined, knowing from experience that the dirty dishes would just pile up until I angrily washed them. To him, the conclusion was, "I won’t even snuggle when he asks once because the dishes matter more to me than he does." I didn’t even have the energy to argue and let it go.
The effort
When our baby was born, my husband and I agreed he would help more with housework. (Better than nothing…) He had just two tasks: emptying the diaper bin and taking out the trash. He forgot both during the first week, but I understood since it was new to him and he simply forgot. By the second week, I had to remind him, but he finally did it.
Then I got sick and was just glad to be alive, so I didn’t remind him. My Monday started with cutting my hand trying to shove a diaper into the overflowing bin and rushing after the garbage truck in pajamas because he hadn’t taken out the trash. When he came home that afternoon, of course I gave him a piece of my mind, and he sulked off. Half an hour later, my mother-in-law called to tell me I should be more patient with her son.
Oh, come on…
"Let’s go hiking tomorrow!" my husband decided at 11 p.m. on a Friday. I told him to hold on while I thought it over. He flipped out, asking why I had to overthink it and why I was so bad at being spontaneous. I had to explain that first, I needed to check if we had any sandwiches at home since I worked late and hadn’t had time to shop after work. Also, our daughter has a competition tomorrow, so I had to ask if she could skip it or if it was important.
Our son has a birthday party in the afternoon, so I needed to find out if he had to attend or if it was optional. I was about to skip a hardware store trip – which I planned to squeeze in during the party – but that was the least of it. I could buy a new faucet another time since the one that’s been dripping for two weeks still can wait. That’s the reality of a mom’s spontaneity…
The reminder
My husband was upset because I didn’t remind him to wish his best friend a happy birthday. After all, he works and is tired, "his head is full," while I "just stay home with the kids." Yes, I was supposed to keep his best friend’s birthday in my head. Normally, I would have, but the past three days were hectic. I had to take our dog to the vet, give daily meds, and go back for a check-up. Our younger son went on a class trip, so I packed and took him to the bus. Our older son was preparing for two important exams, and I studied with him every night. I bought a gift for my mother-in-law’s name day.
The washing machine broke down, and I arranged for a repairman. I filled up the car’s gas tank so we wouldn’t have to deal with it on the weekend when we’re visiting my in-laws in the countryside. I took the kids – plus two neighborhood kids – to a children’s escape room they’d been looking forward to for two months. I reminded my husband about his dentist appointment and that the car registration expires in two months. Then my sister-in-law went into labor, and I rushed to the hospital with the things she asked for because her partner left them at home. So, unfortunately, during these busy 72 hours, I forgot to remind my dear husband about his friend’s birthday. My apologies.
It matters
I ask my husband what to cook, and 10 out of 10 times he says it doesn’t matter. I ask the kids, and they have no ideas either. It’s always me, exhausted, who has to figure out the menu, shop for it, and prepare it. At mealtime, instead of thanks, I usually get "Yuck!" or "Oh no, this again?!" They’re quick to criticize but never to help. So when the answer to what to cook is "anything," it doesn’t free me—it just adds to my mental load with zero reward.
